


Awkward Small Talk

by Really_Lame_Fiction



Category: Lazer Team (2015)
Genre: I just really ship it, M/M, Spoilers, its 1AM and i just got back from seeing the movie, maybe ill add a chapter two?, post-move canon, this is lame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 16:20:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5832361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Really_Lame_Fiction/pseuds/Really_Lame_Fiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's after the events of 'Lazer Team', and Woody and Zach are stuck talking to one another with neither Herman or Hagan around. How will they pass the time?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Awkward Small Talk

This was stupid.

It was all stupid actually, even from the beginning, this entire situation was ridiculous.

Well, that's what Zach thought anyway. He crossed his arms, at least he tried to. Apparently, it's harder when one of your arms was a god damn laser.  He frowned a little darker, a fresh wave of irritation hitting him all at once. "Fuck this." he swore to himself, but loud enough that everyone in the room could hear, and would have to pay attention to him. It did the trick, and both Woody and Herman looked up at him, each wearing similar expressions. 

"What?" Herman sighed, already knowing he had taken the bait, and given Zach his opening to bitch.

"We are  _not_ going to space. That's literally the worst plan I've ever heard. In my life." Zach spat, glaring. 

Herman rolled his eyes. "Look, Hagan's sorting it out I'm sure. We're not going to space.....probably not anyway." He said, shrugging. Herman was too tired to deal with this. He'd just defeated a damn alien after all, and now it seemed he was stuck babysitting. At least they were at a safe house, and not a military base. With comfier beds too. Herman smiled at the thought. "I'm not worried anyway. Well, maybe I'd be a little worried if I wasn't so tired. But I am tired." He stood, having the idea for a nap. "Neither of you bother me." Herman shot them a warning look.

Zach opened his mouth, probably to complain, but Herman was quick to shoot him down. "Hey! Not a word, alright? If you wake me up I'll shove an alien boot up your ass." He grumbled, turning and walking to one of the four bedrooms. Leaving Woody and Zach in an almost awkward silence.

"Well, technically, that boot wouldn't fit up an anal canal unless-"

"Woody, shut the fuck up, alright? Don't talk to me about anal, don't talk to anyone about anything anal related ever, actually." Zach tried to snarl, but his tone was almost defeated. There really wasn't anything he could do about the current situation, except deal with it. And right now, he had to deal with Woody. He glanced at the man, who was looking right back at him. Zach sighed.

He didn't know anything about Woody really. Just that he was his football teams water-boy. That, and he was as dumb as a post. Well, he was dumb before the helmet. 

"You're good at football." Woody said, looking across the room and not at Zach. 

Zach raised an eyebrow at him, pausing in thought. It seemed Woody was feeling as awkward as him, if his terrible small talk was any indication. "Yeah, I am." Zach replied. It was silent again. "You're......ah.....you're good at getting water." Zach said, regretting his words almost immediately. He should have played the conversation off smoothly, giving Woody short replies and no openings for more conversation. He definitely shouldn't be awkwardly engaging him.

"Yeah, I really wasn't." Woody replied, with a casual shrug of his own. "Actually I was bloody awful at it." 

Zach hummed. "Well, now you mention it, yeah you were awful." He sunk lower in his armchair, so he could prop his legs up on the coffee table in the middle of the room, getting comfortable. He'd probably be stuck in this safe house for awhile, and it wasn't like there was anything else to do. Might as well make the most of it. He smirked, getting accustomed quickly to talking to Woody. "So like, what did you actually do? Did you have a job before all this alien crap?" He asked, actually curious.

Woody shook his head. "Nah.I mean, I had jobs, just could never keep any." He explained. "Herman let me sleep on his couch."

"Just his couch? Or was it a gay thing?"

"What? No! Why is everything a gay thing with you?"

Zach bristled. "Not everything....." he defended weekly, then perked up when he thought of a better comeback. "Maybe everything's just a gay thing with you!" He snickered. Then paused. Alright, maybe that hadn't sounded quite how he had thought it would.

There was silence in the room. In the background, they could faintly hear the sound of Herman snoring. Woody cleared his throat, seeming eager to break the new, awkward tension.  "So, ah, you dating that Mindy girl now?" He asked, wanting to get as far away as possible from their last topic. 

Zach was happy to move away from the sudden awkwardness as well, although he didn't really know where it had come from. "No, we talked after everything went down. The kiss was just, adrenaline I think. I mean, I know I like her but it's just......complicated. We're going to stay friends, though."

"She dumped you?"

"Fuck. Yeah she dumped me." 

Woody nodded, looking sympathetic. "Too bad." 

Zach glanced down at his lap, eyeing the laser that was sitting there. He focused on it, if only so he didn't have to make eye contact with Woody. He hated when people looked at him with sympathy or pity. It made him feel kind of pathetic. "Yeah, I'm actually not that sad about it. She's hot, and nice, but we didn't really like, have a lot in common you know?" He looked at Woody then, and it was obvious from Woody's blank stare he didn't know. Zach shook his head. "Don't worry about it." He looked away again. "So, do you have a girl?" 

It was Woody's turn to look sheepish, and he was thankful Zach wasn't looking at him. "Nah." He said, trying to sound causal. He went to scratch the back of his neck, only to remember that the helmet covered it. Still, he ran his fingers across the plastic-like material, still wanting to indulge in the awkward gesture. "I've ah, never really had a....." He trailed off. 

Zach couldn't hide his sudden amusement. "You've never had a girlfriend?" He asked. 

Woody blushed. "No, I haven't, alright? It's not a big deal....."

Zach laughed. "Sure it is. Have you even kissed a girl?" 

Woody didn't answer. He shifted in his seat, looking away from Zach's face. 

Zach gasped dramatically. "You HAVEN'T!"

Woody spluttered. "SHUT UP!"

Giggles turned quickly into laughter, as Zach shook his head. "Oh my god, dude. That's sad." Woody glared, as Zach continued to talk. "Wow, that actually really sucks. I mean, you'll probably never get to kiss anyone. Ever. 'Cause of the helmet." Zach gestured to the helmet Woody was wearing, like he couldn't figure that out himself. A few days ago, he probably couldn't have. 

Woody was silent, and it dawned on Zach that the man across from him looked genuinely upset. He paled. "But.....you know.....there's more to life than kissing girls." He tired to backtrack, wishing Woody would stop looking at him liked a kicked puppy. "I mean, you can still bang?" He suggested, trying to cheer Woody up. Once again, he wasn't exactly sure why. Probably had something to do with how harmless he was. It was hard to dislike someone so genuinely genuine. In Zach's opinion, anyway.

To his credit, Woody perked up at that. "That's true!" He said, grinning now. "I just have to find someone....that can't be too difficult, right?"

Zach resisted the urge to mention that Woody hadn't had much luck finding someone in the past. "A catch like you? I bet it'll be super easy." He said, sarcasm as obvious as the helmet on Woody's head.

Another pause. Zach waited, seeing Woody think, obviously trying to say something, but being unable to find the words. "So, ah...." Woody looked uncomfortable. "Have you ever....you know....had..." He trailed off. 

Zach figured it out pretty quick. He lied effortlessly. "Oh yeah, plenty of times." He said, looking humble as he bragged.

Woody looked impressed. "Really?" He asked, grin faltering slightly. "What's it like?" 

"Oh, you know." Zach pretended to be interested in whatever specs of dirt were under his nails, acting unbelievably casual. "It's good." He said, realizing he didn't really know what to say. His confidence faltered. 

If he noticed, Woody didn't say anything. Zach doubted he'd notice. 

"You know, I was always a fan of watching you play." Woody said, randomly. Zach actually had to take a moment to realize the topic had been abruptly changed. "You were my favorite thing about the games." 

Zach looked surprised, probably because he was. For the first time in his life he didn't really know what to say. "Oh." He said, lamely.

Woody grinned. "You were funny. And popular. I never talked to you because well, I didn't know what I'd say to you......" Woody paused, fidgeting with his hands. "I can now. Maybe it's just the helmet."

Zach's face had gone red, and there wasn't a single person on the planet Earth that wouldn't notice his furious blush. Woody was being nice, and for some reason that made Zach feel like a jackass. "No....no I don't think it's the helmet. I think it's all you, the helmet is just like....an enhancer right? So it's still all you." 

Silence greeted the two once again like an old friend, leaving the same lingering tension in the air, and the background noise of Herman snoring. This time, Woody and Zach didn't break eye contact, and Zach was painfully aware of the fact that under the terrible mustache, and the even more horrendous mullet, Woody was attractive. And, had the most beautiful pair of green eyes Zach had ever seen. He swallowed a lump in his throat, willing himself to look away. He didn't.

Woody seemed more focused on Zach than he had been on anything else in his entire life. His usually oblivious stare, now carefully observant.

"You could kiss me, you know. I'd let you." Woody said, slowly and deliberately.

Zach splutter. "Kiss you?" He said, sounding outraged, although the full weight of what Woody had said was yet to hit him.   

Woody blushed lightly. "Yeah, you could. I mean, you'd just be kissing glass." He tapped the screen of his helmet, although he knew it wasn't made of glass. "I think it'd count." 

"Why would I do that?" 

"Because you want to." Wood answered, matter-of-factly.

"I-I didn't....I don't" Zach was fully prepared to deny it, but the truth is Woody had a point. A really good point. He sighed. "This is really stupid." Zach announced, standing.

A wave of butterflies hit Woody like a tone of bricks. For a second, he was almost ready to back out and announce he was only kidding. But Zach was walking over to him, and he couldn't speak even if he wanted to. The confidence he had faked was gone now. 

"Come on, stand up." Zach instructed. Woody did as he was told. "Now, I'm not doing this because I want to. It's just, a favor. Because you've never kissed anyone before." Zach reasoned, more with himself than with with Woody. All Woody could do was nod dumbly. "Now close your eyes. Otherwise it's just weird."

Woody complied, even more nervous now his eyes were closed. He was also awkwardly over aware of his hands, and wasn't sure what to do with them. He felt two hands grab his helmet, and realized Zach was attempting to cup his face. Just looking for anywhere to put his own hands, Woody grabbed the sides of Zach's shirt loosely. 

Zach jumped at the contact, but said nothing. Just stared at Woody's face, now he didn't have Woody staring back. He glanced down at his lips, wishing for just a moment the helmet wasn't in the way. Then, feeling like he had nothing to lose, he leaned in, pressing his lips lightly against the screen that kept their lips apart. 

Woody felt the contact, and couldn't fight the instinct to peek. Then, a small giggle fell from his lips. 

Zach pulled back at the noise, looking offended. "What are you laughing at?" He asked defensively. 

"Well....." Woody once again looked sheepish. "Your face.....it was......it was all smooshed against the screen. And it looked kinda funny." 

Zach looked unimpressed. "You PEEKED?" He said, voice growing loud. "THAT'S NOT HOW YOU KISS!" He chastised, feeling embarrassed.

But, not as embarrassed as when a voice came suddenly from the bedroom. "I SAID KEEP IT DOWN, YOU TWO KISS QUIETLY FOR FUCKS SAKE. A MAN IS TRYING TO NAP IN HERE." Came a very exasperated Herman. 

Zach looked scandalized. Woody just grinned. "SORRY PAL." He called, much to the distress of Zach. 

They got a muffled grumble in reply, then silence. 

Woody looked at Zach, and Zach looked at Woody. Both knowing that they were about to have a conversation that neither wanted to have. Maybe Woody could suggest kissing instead of talking about the kiss, but he didn't get much enjoyment out of it. 

Maybe instead, he could bring up that other thing Zach had suggested he could still do. Woody grinned. 


End file.
